So, About my "Lifestyle"...

I'm really getting a bit done with people who raise concern about "the gay lifestyle", and how they want to protect their children from homosexuality and gender creativity because it's "just against their religion".  

In particular, I'm curious what exactly it is about my alleged "lifestyle" as a queer woman, that is so upsetting to them...

Is it that we sometimes mix our colours and our whites when we do our laundry in a hurry?  Is it that I shop at the wrong grocery store?  Is it that I'm sometimes late picking my kids up from Saturday morning Language School?

Maybe it's that we watch independent movies rather than bathing ourselves in the hetero-normative, misogynist, materialistic Hollywood crap that seem to dominate the mainstream?  Or perhaps it's that we volunteer with refugees and new immigrants?  (Oh, wait, Jesus was a refugee, wasn't he?)  Maybe it's that the families my partner, children and I attend the post-Pride picnic at the park with when on PEI in the summer are mostly comprised of two women or two men at the helm rather than one of each, or just one parent, period?

Quite possibly it's the fact that I am a vegetarian.  That must be it! Refusing to eat creatures who have been raised in the most inhumane, torturous conditions imaginable, only to be slaughtered for human consumption... that must be what is so offensive to some that they feel compelled to comment on my lifestyle and raise it as a concern when considering updates to a 17-year-old curriculum that our government has FINALLY decided to haul into the 21 century so that we teachers can finally have some current, official documentation to support the work we so desperately need and valiantly try to do with the students in our classrooms who must navigate the ever-increasing mess that is our society today.

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On the one hand, we claim to believe in equality.  On the other hand, women continue to earn less than men (yes, even in Canada).  On the one hand, we say "dress appropriately" at school, on the other hand, students walk past billboards and bus ads on the way to school, that model anything but "appropriate" clothing!!!  On the one hand, we tell them violence is bad, and that we use our words to solve problems, on the other hand, they go home and watch the news that tells them all about how many bombs have been dropped on whom and by whom, or we take them to a movie where the main characters spend most of their screen time hurting, maiming or killing others.  On the one hand, we tell them not to lie, on the other hand, the adults they see lie all the time to preserve their self image.  Only when they are "busted" do those adults finally fess up.

It is within this hypocritical context that our young people have to try and figure out who they are, and where they fit in.

The rampant hormones of adolescence make this figuring-out process even more complicated.  Students who come from households where modesty and respect are modeled in certain ways intermingle with students who come from households where these characteristics are modeled differently or not at all.  

And then they have to figure it all out without irreparably damaging their reputation online or in person.  

This year alone, a student at my school was caught texting a photo of his penis to his "girlfriend", a group of students decided to allot one day a week to "ass-slapping", and another student sent naked pictures of herself to others students.

Teachers need to be comfortable addressing these issues in ways that name and invite authentic exploration of the problem without shaming those who are still learning to make good choices.

What's particularly troubling to me as a teacher is that without an updated health curriculum and clear guidelines about who can be exempt from what, we risk disenfranchising our most vulnerable youth.

Whether families like it or not, our schools are places of busy intersection: Along with the usual complicated adolescent journey of change, we have students in our schools who are gay, lesbian, trans, queer or questioning.  We have students in our schools who come from households where their parents may be gay, lesbian, trans, queer or questioning. We have students who come from highly homo- and trans-phobic households.  We have students who fit into two or more of the above categories.  And we have teachers who are gay, lesbian, trans queer or questioning.  

When those teachers can collaborate with their non-LGBTQ colleagues to provide scientifically accurate information to their students in a safe, inviting learning environment that encourages respectful discussions of feeling, beliefs, disagreements and concerns, our students can begin to develop more healthy relationships with themselves, with their families and teachers, and with one another.

A narrow-minded, fear-filled view of sex education and issues of social justice will not facilitate these sorts of relationships, but will instead promote misunderstanding and hostility in our schools and in our societies. (I certainly know that my own openness and approachability have been affected by familial and school-based homophobia this year, and it has negatively affected my ability to teach both the academic curriculum and to provide a consistently safe and inclusive environment for ALL my students to my usual high personal standards.)

Last week, I got a note from one of my students's parents indicating that they would not be attending school this week "in protest" of the new sex ed curriculum.  Curious, I asked the student if they knew why they were missing school.  "Not really", was the response.

This scene played itself out four more times in my classroom with either a note or a student letting me know that s/he would not be attending school the following week.  Each time I gently inquired further, the students' responses were nebulous at best.  And each time, I encouraged these students to have a respectful conversation with their families, to find out why they were missing school, and to learn more about their parents' concerns and how their family would be addressing these sorts of things.

Perhaps it's the fact that I am trying to raise my boys to be thoughtful, insightful and knowledgeable young men that is so troubling to others about my "lifestyle".

As a parent, I have always valued authentic dialogue with my children.  We talked openly about death when they were as young as 3 years old, and they knew from early on that their maternal grandmother had died before they were born.  As far back as they can remember, my children have known where they came from (both spiritually/philosophically and biologically!), and they speak articulately about the wonder of birth and the connectedness of mother and babies.  While I feel strongly about a woman's right to choose what happens to her body, I encourage my children to explore their own feelings and combine it with facts to make their own decisions about what they value most, and one of my boys in particular is extremely pro-life.  My children have known and been able to use the proper names for their various body parts since they were about four years old (they are now 11), and soon, their father and I will be having conversations with our kids about healthy body boundaries, supplementing the "good touch/bad touch" conversations we've had earlier on with more age-appropriate information and advice.

I believe in arming children with facts and information along with unconditional love, so that in situations both pleasurable and challenging, they are equipped with the tools needed to make the best choices they can.  Perhaps it is this aspect of my lifestyle that is so problematic for those who prefer to keep their children in the dark.

We live in a world where people define love in different ways, and where people have diverse interpretations of what's acceptable.  As a society we've agreed that this diverse world is "okay", and therefore, I believe we have to support our schools in providing an understanding that either extends or invites the initiation of the foundation built at home.

That some of those teachers will be members of groups who practise lifestyles different from those practised by students' families can only enrich the conversation.  Ultimately, surely, we all want what's best for our kids.