What happened to their siblings and their mother remains a mystery, but Loki and Thor toughed it out together. They were survivors, and eventually a kind woman noticed them on her way to work each day and started to feed them regularly and bring them water. 

Extremely timid at first, they did not approach her, but hungrily devoured what she left them whenever she came.

Sometime in August, Loki and Thor sustained injuries to their hind legs. While it’s unclear whether they were kicked or beaten by a human, or run over by a car, they were clearly both suffering. The kind lady took them to a veterinary clinic, and then brought them to her workplace and kept them under her desk for a few weeks after checking with her boss. The kind lady continued to care for and feed the two grossing puppies, even doing physiotherapy with them to help them regain the use of their back limbs. She posted about them on Facebook, and in September or October, Loki and Thor arrived at a small animal shelter in Las Varas, run by a committed team of volunteers with extremely limited resources.

There were too many dogs and not enough homes, endless litters of puppies, but now these two little ones were physically safe. Loki and Thor didn’t like people much, but at least they had each other.

One day in March 2025, thanks to a partnership with another local animal rescue organization (JBAR), the Las Varas shelter put on a public event celebrating pets and inviting people to come out with their dogs for an afternoon of fun in the park. There was food, pet products for sale, music, games and contests. And, in one corner of the event, there was a large fenced off area with many, many dogs for adoption. Including Loki and Thor. 

​The event in March was when my wife and I first came into Loki‘s life, or rather, she into ours!

Sneakers, our existing rescue dog, is dog aggressive, and so although we love dogs, and have volunteered with various animal rescue organizations in the area, Including fostering, we knew we could never risk getting a second dog ourselves. 

Bearing this in mind, we went to the event nevertheless, “just to see”. 

In the chaotic jumble of dogs, cowering in a corner, sat Loki. Thor stood by, as if to “protect” her. Loki tugged at our heartstrings… we thought perhaps we could take this miserable creature home for a few days of peace and quiet, get her out of there and give her a break… and then find her a new home in our neighbourhood or with a visiting Canadian, who would take her back north of the border.

In our broken Spanish, we approached the organizer, and explained the situation with our existing dog, but that we were happy to take the little one home and do our best with her and see how things unfolded, but that if we had not found a home for her by the time we ourselves had to head back to Canada and a few weeks, That we would have to return her to the shelter.

This seemed agreeable to the organizer, and the little package was handed over to us, a photo requested for their social media page, and that was that!

It wasn’t until we got Loki home that we realized what a brave and courageous little character we had found.

She spent the first three days in a complete hunger strike. Ate nothing, cowered with her tail between her legs, and hardly even went to the bathroom.

In all my years of adopting dogs, I’ve never encountered such a terrified little thing.

Even Sneakers didn’t bother with her — as though she weren’t even a real dog, almost just not even worth it for Sneakers. 

The nice little reprieve we had planned for Loki while we searched for a permanent home for her seemed more to be a reign of terror for her. And it was hard to get photos, nice ones, that would entice people to adopt her. She just seemed so miserable and pathetic; as Mrs. Rachel-Lynde said of Anne whence first they met, she wasn't much to look at!

As our departure date drew closer, we started to panic. What were we to do with a little pup? We really didn’t want to return her to the animal shelter... So few are adopted from that context.

Interestingly, Sneakers, who is in general quite happy to engage in a bloodbath with any dog she encounters, seemed to be OK with Loki. Within a week, our new acquisition had started going potty in the garden if we took her downstairs, and she wandered timidly around in the back, off leash, with Sneakers, who — shockingly — left her alone.

We began to wonder whether maybe we should just take her back to Canada with us. 

We certainly had not planned on a second dog; it was not in the budget, nor was there space on our flight. (In the hold, an airline will typically take a maximum of 2 to 3 dogs, and with Sneakers already booked, and someone else with a dog booked for the same flight, there was no more room.)

Some animal rescue volunteers from another organization closer to Puerto Vallarta had heard of our plight, and decided they were going to find us a flight angel home. 

Instead of running in the streets,  she runs through meadows and along the beach now. She walks well on a leash, and confidently goes to "place" on command, and just this week, started consistently giving "paw" when asked, in exchange for cucumber slices, pieces of apple or other small treats from the kitchen.

Loki loves Sneakers now, and is very attached. Wants to be with her at all times, and even insists on riding in the same crate with her in the car – – and Sneakers obliges! (The latter is not cured; still pulls and growls and lunges like crazy towards other dogs… But seems to have accepted Loki as a late-in-life fur sibling!)​

When I see her curled up comfortably on the dog bed on the sun porch, or ensconced with various toys, shoes and other articles she has scavenged and brought to her “nest” in the bedroom, I marvel at  her courage in trusting us. I rejoice at how far this little creature has come, not just since her arrival in Canada or her adoption by us a few weeks earlier in Mexico, but really since she was born in the streets of a small town, unwanted, uncared for, until a stranger took pity on her, kept her alive and found her a safe place to stay until she happened to catch our eye in March 2025.

It’s a drop in the bucket in the larger problem of homeless and unwanted animals… But for this particular furry little drop, it’s been a life-changing.  For us, also. We love her.

​Girls and women, boys and men, come in all shapes, sizes and presentations. Not conforming to society’s gendered expectations of how you should look, talk and behave does not mean you “should be” the opposite sex.

Tales of Joy

People are sometimes surprised to learn that I follow accounts on social media of some trans identifying individuals, or that there are people close to me who identify as trans. I find it odd that in some people’s minds, asking critical questions or sharing factual information that may challenge their belief system is somehow equal to committing “literal violence” towards trans folks. It’s as though they can't wrap their heads around the possibility that someone could both love and support trans identifying folks AND ALSO raise concerns about the impacts of gender ideology on women and children. Can these not co-exist?

 And so, in summary, I feel compelled to share two stories of “trans joy”:

TRUE LOVE & FRIENDSHIP

The first, about a musical colleague, someone I used to play in a band with: Over the past year, I have watched this individual fall in love with a trans person. Their trans partner (now fiancé) has come out to various concerts to support my colleague’s musical endeavors, and I don't know them well, but I have admired their leggings and other cool outfits, and their confidence in wearing said outfits regardless of what other people may say or think. But especially I admire this couple’s love for one another. In a world where it’s hard to stand out for various reasons, they have found one another, and are very clearly in love. I don't need to personally understand their love to appreciate that the smiles on their faces when they are together are infectious.

This summer, they are getting married. I wish them a long and happy marriage, and much joy!

PERSONAL REBIRTH

The second tale of joy is about a stranger who has become a friend through glamping on the property I co-own in PEI over the past several years.

I remember the dark green polish on his toenails the first time my friend came to stay with us. An introvert, he mostly kept to himself, but was appreciative of a safe place where he could wear his nailpolish and enjoy the solitude of nature. The space we'd created on our property provided my friend with an opportunity to get away for a few days and just be.

Over the subsequent years, he began to experiment more with his “female side”, and when I asked his preferred name, he shared the female one he’d been using, and invited me to use that or his given name. I hyphenated the two, and although s/he primarily goes by her female name now, it will always be the hyphen for me in my mind, because I “knew him when…”

After a few years of social transition and medical care, my friend has decided to fully transition. Her friends recently threw her a “vagina shower” – my friend shared some photos with me, and it looked like a pretty awesome celebration!!

The next time I see her, my friend will have undergone bottom surgery as well. I don’t understand it, but I don't need to understand it to be happy for them and their support network, and I genuinely wish them all the joy they hope for with this surgery, and into the future.

Summary

Not wanting humans with a male advantage on women’s sports teams or intact males in women’s prisons, and not supporting children having life altering medical intervention in an already gender stereotyped world that is stacked against them doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate when transitioning and gender affirming care might make an adult who is suffering, has suffered for a long time, happy.

So, am I a transphobe? That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself after reading my three blog posts and learning a little more about who I am as a whole person. I hope these three essays have given you some of that insight.

​Happy Pride!

Another example of important and necessary exclusion can be found in the French language school system in Canada. In order to be considered for employment there, you must be francophone. If you are not, you are excluded from teaching in that jurisdiction. The reason for this is that the whole point of that school system is to preserve French language and culture. Hiring teachers who are not francophone, or who just speak a little French, would completely defeat the purpose.

A final example of “good” exclusion, again from within the education work, is the intentional exclusion of known pedophiles from the certified teaching and school support population. When you apply to work for a school board, whether as a classroom teacher, early childhood educator, or some other student and school support role, you have to have a criminal record check. (And in most jurisdictions across the country, this has to be updated annually.) And guess what? If you are a convicted child sex offender, you don’t get hired. YOU GET EXCLUDED!!! 

Despite the efforts of some folks within the LGBTQ+ community to expand the umbrella to include softer language of “minor attracted persons” or MAPs, most people still agree that pedophiles should not be celebrated as a special identity, and have no problem excluding them from most workplaces, particularly those that focus on children.

Again, an example of when exclusion is good and necessary, and probably not super controversial in most circles.

Where exclusion seems to take a sharp left turn is when it comes to women.

Despite earning hard-won sex based rights over the past hundred years or so, it has suddenly become “controversial” to suggest that transwomen, i.e. trans-identifying men, ie biological, intact men who self identify as women and may or may not have taken some steps towards medicalizing said identity (such as having facial feminization surgery, or taking hormones, or some such action) do not belong in women’s prisons, on women’s sports teams or in women’s shelters. 

Although we have documented evidence, for example, of women in sex-segregated prisons becoming impregnated by convicted male sex offenders to claim to be – and are therefore housed with – the female inmate population, to suggest that these trans-identifying men should not be there is apparently “transphobic”. 

In the inaugural issue of the lesbian magazine I recently published, a woman from the UK shared her experiences seeking sex-based support as a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of men. The women’s sexual abuse survivor services was unable to guarantee her a female counsellor because “we don’t discriminate against transwomen”.  Somehow when it comes to the importance of lived experience, apparently the lived experience of adult human females takes a back seat to the feelings of men in a dress.

And if you’re interested the problem of men in women’s sports, check out hecheated.org for some concrete stats and horror stories on that topic. 

My own introduction to this phenomenon was when I was going through a particularly rough patch with my wife (then my girlfriend), and – mainly out of curiosity – went on a lesbian dating app, “just to see”. What I saw, shockingly, was an overwhelmingly male group of users, who identified as “lesbian”!

Confused and ignorant at the time, I naïvely reported these men to the app’s administrator, thinking that they had somehow inadvertently “slipped by” and infiltrated the dating site. 

Silly, silly me.

I received rather a chastising message from the admin, explaining to me as though I were a hostile bigot, that “transwomen are women”, and that if they identify as lesbian, then of course we should welcome them with open arms. (Mouths?! Legs?!)

During the pandemic, a culture of identity politics came into vogue. It’s been deemed inclusive by some, but problematic by others. Sometime around 2021, I began to question my undying commitment to the gender ideology movement, and since that time, I have been called a transphobe and a TERF, usually by folks who know me only superficially, if at all.
​
For some time now, I’ve been meaning to address the issue head on, but then life got in the way. This year, however, I decided to take a break from my generally politics-free profile on Facebook and instead leverage Pride month to post a few longer posts about my experiences as a gender non-conforming woman. In tandem with that, I am also finally getting around to finishing my blog posts about the topic of identity politics and in particular, the gender ideology movement and its impact on me as a lesbian. I hope you enjoy these posts.

Those of you who follow me on IG will know that in recent years, I have begun posting (or rather, reposting) posts about what some might loosely call “trans issues” on my Instagram stories. In sharp contrast to the daily life photos and nature images I typically share in my main feed, these more politically charged reposts fall primarily into two categories: Posts concerning the impact of the gender ideology movement on young people, and posts about the intrusion of men in women’s spaces.

As a result of these posts, I have faced criticism by some individuals and institutions, largely from those who are unfamiliar with my long-standing work as an advocate for social justice, equity and inclusion.
My intent in these three blog posts is to clarify my position, and to encourage critical thinking around gender/sex and other more generally important issues. I welcome lively debate and respectful sharing of broad perspectives, however, I will not tolerate hateful or revenge-motivated comments.
​
Also, this one’s a lot of writing, and few photos. Fair warning.

​Vocabulary: A Primer

Since language matters and words are the building blocks of our conversations and ideas, let’s begin with a primer of some vocabulary related to LGBTQ+ issues.

It continues to shock me in this day and age with the availability of the internet, how few terms many people know and understand. However, it also annoys and frustrates me when those deeply emerged in the work refuse to support those still learning. Yes, fellow rainbow community, it IS our job to educate answer seekers… or at least, share our perspective with those  brave enough to ask us about it.

So, for those of you still new to the conversation, below are a few basic definitions.

Sex – your biological sex, i.e. male (XX) or female (XY)*. Sex is based on a series of physical traits largely organized around the intention** of procreation. Male bodies are small gamete producers and female bodies produce large gametes.

• (* There are some variations to this – see “Intersex” below)
  
• ( ** I use the word “intention” because that is their intended biological purpose from a design perspective, however, not all females can and do bear children.)
  

Gender – too often conflated with sex, gender refers to the identify that comes with the set of societally imposed “norms” aligning with each of the two sexes. Gender comprises things like clothing, haircuts, hobbies, behaviour, etc. Folks may behave, look and act the way they are “supposed to” according to their sex, or not. Or a little of both. (The “little of both” is sometimes referred to as being “Gender Non-Binary”, or ENBY, especially by younger people within the queer community.)

Gender dysphoria – when someone feels at odds between their body or perceived gender and how they feel “inside”, they may suffer gender dysphoria, sometimes also referred to as gender or body dysmorphia.

Gender non-conforming (GNC) – when girls or boys, or adult men or women, do not dress, speak or behave in a way that is expected of them based on their sex, they are gender non-conforming.

Intersex – It is rare but possible for humans to be born with an additional X or Y, for example, those born with Klinefelter syndrome (XXY females), Swyer syndrome and other differences of sex development (DSDs) in which males or females may have some physical traits of the opposite sex. DSD is a medical term, and some individuals with a DSD may refer to themselves as “Intersex”.

Gay – Shorthand for homosexual, i.e. boys who like boys in “that way”, or girls who like girls.

Lesbian – The female form of gay. (Some lesbians just refer to themselves as gay.) Adult human female who is attracted to other adult human females. 

Bisexual - being attracted to both sexes.

Queer – an umbrella term for anyone not “straight” or heterosexual. Initially used as a slur, the term “queer” was reclaimed by many as a proud moniker of being just a little bit outside the norm. Nowadays, many self-identify as queer without a specific sub label; it has become a bit of a catch all, though also a signifier to those of us critical of the movement that one best not question or rock the boat in any way with the person who so identifies, as they tend not to be open to any sort of critique.

Transwoman – A man who self identifies as a woman. Sometimes referred to as trans-identified males (TIMs), some transwomen choose to undergo “bottom surgery” to remove and/or reconstruct their male genitalia, have facial feminization surgery, take female hormones, etc.

Transman – A woman who identifies as a man. Some transmen choose to cut off their breasts (known as “top surgery” or a mastectomy), take male hormones to lower their voices and help with visual identifiers such as hair growth, etc.

Deadname – Many trans people choose a different name for themselves when they transition. For example, David may become Davina, or they may choose a more gender neutral name. Their “deadname” is the name they were given at birth or adoption.

Detransitioners – Formerly trans-identified individuals who have embarked on a journey to physically detransition and return to their actual sex. I.e. a woman who may have thought she was “male” and had an mastectomy and started male hormones now recognizes that she is in fact a woman and attempts to return to living as a woman. She stops taking male hormones, etc.)

Autogynephilic – sometimes called AGP for short, this term refers to men who feel arousal at the thought of themselves as women. (Think “cross dressers” from previous decades.) Some have strong and detailed rape fantasies in which they are the woman.

TERF – “Trans-exclusionary radical feminist”, the term TERF is used as a slur, usually by gender ideologues, towards women who question the current mainstream narrative that anyone can be a woman, and that biological women should not have access to spaces or rights protected on the grounds of sex. Those who question the focus on gender ideology in schools are also sometimes labeled TERFs. Some of those who speak up for women’s rights have adopted the term of a badge of honour.

Transbian – a trans identified male who self-identifies as a lesbian, and who typically demands to be treated as such, e.g., insisting on inclusion in lesbian-themed events and/or on lesbian dating apps.
 
I hope the above information is a helpful start. Please note, the above list is not an exhaustive one, and the definitions merely scratch the surface; I encourage you to take some time to google further, and ask questions of people you know and trust if details are confusing. There is a LOT of controversy about all things remotely related to the alphabet soup right now, so some “facts” cannot be taken at face value. Apply vigorous critical literacy skills as you go, please!
 
The Alphabet Soup & the Pride Flag
 
Many outside the community (and indeed some of us inside it!) struggle with the ever-increasing list of terms. For me, it’s this simple: the first three, i.e. LGB, refer to sexual orientation, i.e. lesbian, gay or bisexual. The inclusion of T for trans confounds me. To me, gender identity is such a completely different thing than sexual orientation, the two don’t really belong together.

The beautiful rainbow pride flag has also, in recent years, undergone transition… in some places, it is now impossible to find the original, which has been replaced by the ubiquitous “progress pride” flag, including brown and black (to signify support for the BIPOC community, or Black, Indigenous and People of Colour) and baby blue and pink, the trans colours (which have also been associated with pedophilia, or the more palatable “minor attracted persons” MAP community), and more recently, a circle representing the Intersex symbol.

Related but Separate

Wanting to separate the LGB from the T+ doesn’t signify to me that one is transphobic. What it signifies to me is a desire to focus the work on the Pride community. And I don’t think saying that means one can’t support both causes.

I think it’s important for those of us who are gay, lesbian and bisexual to stand up against discrimination in all its forms, but also to be able to have spaces – both online and in-person – where we can discuss issues specific to our needs. Moreover, we as a community have spent so many decades convincing the general public that we are “normal”, i.e. that we go to work, pay our taxes, do our laundry and grocery shopping, take the kids to school, etc., that many of us are very concerned about the infiltration of what we see as problematic perspectives. For example, I am NOT okay with increasing supports for pedophiles, I don’t care what they want to call themselves. Moreover, as a lesbian, I am tired of being told that I have to share my online platforms with men who identify as women. I don’t think this makes me transphobic, I’m not opposed to transfolks having their own spaces in which to share ideas, needs, concerns, hopes, dreams… and we can even have some shared spaces. I’m just not prepared to give up the special protected spaces we have fought long and hard for ourselves, and I don’t see why it has to be an either/or situation.
 
I hope this vocabulary primer and related commentary serves as a helpful entry point to exploring whether or not I am a “transphobe”.

This is not a blog post, it's a gratuitous ad for my latest project, Jill Magazine, a fabulous new print magazine aimed at and co-created with Lesbians and our female allies.

Sad but true: I have had about 7 ideas for blog posts floating around in my brain over the the past six months or so... alas, when a new project grips the mind of someone possessed with ADHD, there can be no other work, there is only the project. And here it is -- check it out, and donate to get your copy in the mail this winter/spring!!! (If you don't love GoFundMe, we are also doing Paypal and -- in Canada -- etransfer.)

Like many parents of older children, I have regrets.

I haven’t totally ruined my kids or anything like that. They were always clothed, fed and sheltered. They even had music/arts lessons over the years, and physical activities.

But they didn’t always have ME!
​
I was not a “natural” when it came to parenting newborn twins. I struggled a lot with the various minute to minute  challenges of parenting two babies, and while I made it my business to learn and know, by the time I became an “expert”, Alex and Simon where already well through school. 

I heard a parent once comment that “the days are long and the years are short”.

​So true!

Especially with multiples, the early years can be overwhelming, and for me, I didn’t even take the full year of parental leave, choosing instead to run back to the refuge of full time work, and leaving my 4 month old babies with their father for the remainder of that first year. I was a very successful instructional coach at the time, with a large urban school board, and the fulfillment I felt from my expertise in that role compared with the relative incompetence I felt parenting two screaming newborns with little/no consistent help was quite jarring!

Even once the boys were sleeping through the night and using “big boy toilets” rather than diapers, and we started to get our life back a little, I regret to admit that I spent summers facilitating and attending professional development for teachers rather than camping or hanging out at the beach with my littles. Our “summers in PEI” consisted of maybe two weeks at most.
​
And suddenly they were 17 and it was COVID and we were all locked up in a tiny apartment together.

After about two years of that, I decided I’d had enough. Throughout the pandemic, I’d been working overtime (by then I worked in a provincial leadership position in education, and was involved with teams that were working on COVID-related education policy with the government); many long hours at the dining room table, even in the evening, while my babies and my temporarily unemployed pilot wife lived their lives, neglected, in their respective bedrooms of our small Toronto apartment.
​
When they came out of their rooms and we shared a meal together, I marveled at how my little babies were growing into big, tall men. We even threw them a covid-themed 6-foot-party (which wasn’t much of a party, since we weren’t allowed to interact with anyone outside our circle at the time, resulting in a LOT of leftover six-foot-sub meals for us within two days!!!) 

It frightened me that the opportunity to connect with these not-so-tiny tenants was quickly waning.
​
I decided right then and there to make some significant changes in my life.

With the support of my partner, I quit my job, and over the next several years, with her support, have transitioned from full time work to semi-retired “housewife” and “Stay-at-home-mom”. (I put these in parenthesis because for our particular family and life arrangement, the terms look a little different than the main stream, largely because we don’t all live full time in one place together.)

It was the best decision I ever made.

While it’s not the same of course as being there for your baby’s first steps or Kindergarten graduation or school field trips to the museum, there is something quite satisfying about being able to fully support your teen while they learn to drive, or meet them on/near campus for lunch during the week, or even sit in on one of their university classes and ride the subway home together afterwards! There’s a special satisfaction in googling mental health and academic supports during the day while your 19-year-old is in class, making a suggestion to them later on, and getting a phone call a few weeks later thanking you for that suggestion because IT WORKED!! Or reading a draft of an assignment they’ve written for a course and offering descriptive feedback, or hearing about something they are learning about at college that excites them, or having breakfast out together on a weekday because they don’t have class and you don’t have to “work” that morning.

And with time to manage groceries, laundry and other household chores during the “workday”, my weekends are more flexible as well: We still don’t camp, but there are lots of beach visits and walks in the park, both individually with each “child” and together.

I’d had the opportunity to experience a taste of stay at home motherhood for a few months when the boys were ten, and we’d spent the school year in Argentina ... But parenting teenagers/young adults is different.

I get to be fully present when one of them calls to tell me he and his girlfriend broke up, or when one of them wanders into the living room and wants to talk about finances and investing. I can say “yes” when one of them decides university is not for him and wants to come live with me full time on PEI for several months while he decides what to do next (college with a possible career as a PI, it turns out, after a summer of chainsawing and sheet metal roofing!!) And I can support the other when he wants to do a full time placement but needs a ride because the bus is not convenient to our home and he doesn’t have his drivers license yet.

I don’t have to listen half-heartedly to their stories while the other half of my brain stresses about unwritten report cards or marking or lesson planning that still needs to get done… yes, it’s true there is lots to do as the primary household engineer, but without a full time paid job, I have considerable flexibility about when and how tasks are completed. And watching actively engaged as my boys turn into resilient, creative and thoughtful young men has been a great gift to me as a parent who missed out on the chance to be more fully present earlier on in their lives.

I know that not everyone has the luxury of being at home full-time. But if you haven’t had the pleasure and the privilege of parenting your children, even your semi-adult children, full time for an extended period of time, and the opportunity presents itself, I highly recommend you take advantage of it. I’m so glad I have!

Are you feeling lonely and abandoned this Christmas? You’re in good company! All over the world, culturally Christian spouses and families have been forsaken, and my kids and I are among said abandoned masses.
​
You see, I am married to an airline pilot. And while that all may seem glamourous and glorious, the sad reality is that with the exception of those very few with highly coveted top seniority numbers, most commercial pilots have to work over the holidays, leaving their families and friends alone at home, turkey dinner somewhat subdued with an empty seat at the table.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my wife and am grateful for everything she does for this family. Especially bringing home the bacon, because Lord knows, I spend it as fast as she makes it! And, as a result of her chosen career, my kids and I get to travel cheap all over the world (albeit on standby). Also, the cool factor (and yes, the uniform is hot).

But holidays suck. Especially Christmas, because unlike other pilot wives who may have their own parents or siblings who can stand in for their missing spouses on this big family holiday, I’m an only child and have been an orphan since my second year of university. So there’s that.
​
As a queer family, we’ve woven a pretty tight “chosen family” over the past decade or two, and so in recent years, our Christmas Eve table has been filled with the presence of the retired math professor we look after (our surrogate father) and a close family friend who has been a stand in uncle of sorts for the boys. And then when the kids head off to their dad’s the next morning, I usually make my way to the airport and join my wife for her overnight to whichever exciting destination she’s traveling to for work that day.

Alas, this year, I am truly abandoned!
​
Our old man is in Mexico (his lung issues necessitate him seeking warmer climates during the cold Canadian winter months) and our Uncle Vinx is in the hospital, recovering from a heart attack and subsequent brain injury. And my dear, sweet wife is flying to Timmins of all places tonight, where she will spend the full day tomorrow and a second night (an unheard of length for a layover at her regional airline… so why now? Why?!) before flying again on the 26th and eventually arriving back home late that afternoon!
​
Woe is me.

Historically, being an orphan wasn’t sooo bad… My father died when I was a baby, so I have no history with him, and therefore, nothing to “miss” per say. And the first Christmas after my mother died (she died on Dec 22, so that kind of sucked), I  was taken in by the family of my then-boyfriend, who were particularly well-equipped to do so.
​
The father of my university boyfriend was kind of a big deal at the Pontifical Institute of Medieval Studies at U of T, and accordingly, Christmas itself was kind of a big deal, since it was both a personal AND a professional interest in that family. In fact, their house always had at least two Christmas trees, including one fully decorated with an assortment of small wooden creches the professor had picked up at some Christmas market during one of his many research trips to Europe.

The boyfriend also had several siblings, all older than him, and very nurturing when needed. On Christmas Eve following my mother’s death, I stumbled into their home, and a large stuffed bear was thrust into my arms by one of the sisters. This was followed by an enveloping of arms, and then I was ushered into the living room, past the first Christmas tree, and onto a chair at the dining room table in the adjoining room. I was fed, and encouraged to drink a glass of something.

I’m fifty now, not a child anymore. But the thirty-year-old memory still brings tears to my eyes. ​It was exactly what I needed during that tumultuous time.The ritual of the dinner, followed by the opening of gifts and our annual visit to midnight mass at the local high Anglican church, overstuffed with “CEOs” (Christmas and Easter only) brought some semblance of normalcy after what had been a very stilted and definitely NOT normal Christmas eve gathering in the living room at my mother’s (now my) house a few hours earlier with my poor Omi and my mother’s boyfriend, both of whom were still reeling at her untimely death!

After those years came the family of my children’s father. Somewhat boring, but very dependable, and always welcoming without question.

​Even when I finally came crawling out of the closet several years later, they STILL insisted that there would always be a spot for me at their table. (My ex’s new girlfriend put a stop to that in short order, but still, it’s the thought that counts, and that thought still warms my heart.)

And now I am married to the pilot. Exciting and glamourous, but with a pretty much solid guarantee of never being home for the holidays.

Confession time, though: It’s not my wife’s airline that stole Christmas from me, it’s her culture!!!

​Yep, that’s right. Even if my dear wife were NOT a commercial pilot, I would still have to name this blog post as I did, because as it turns out, my assumption that “everyone” in Canada just celebrates Christmas is… well… wrong.

For the first few years, before she was snapped up by the airlines, my Russian wife just went along with our holiday celebrations, with a minimal amount of grumbling. In part because she loved me, and in part because she just wasn’t sure how to approach the idea that the whole tree, angel and pile of gifts thing was overwhelming and uncomfortable for her in a way that wouldn't hurt me. It was just such a big part of my culture, and initially, she didn’t feel “entitled” to share her discomfort in any productive manner. (Newsflash, the minimal grumbling was already hurtful, lol!)

Since my wife is not a practicing Jew, Muslim or other non-Christian adherent, and since she’d been living in a country that commercially and culturally embraces the holiday season for well over a decade when I met her, it never even occurred to me that the traditions to which I had clung since losing my mother would be a problem for her.

But they were.

And that became a problem for me.
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We eventually got past this hurdle, but not before the underlying implications of our unresolved disconnect nearly broke us up a dozen times or more. 

Now, after many tears and open ears and adoptions of emotions that are foreign to each of us respectively, we have reached a truce of sorts about Christmas.

I buy my own advent calendar (Body Shop had a nice one this year!), there is no more St Nicolas Day, she and the boys take care of getting a real tree and hauling the box of Christmas stuff up from the storage locker in the basement, and I decorate the tree and try not to complain too much if it's crooked or somewhat sparce. (To her credit, she usually picks a nice one.)

We no longer do Christmas gifts. She commits to a brief “in transit” celebration where the boys and I visit her during a short break at the airport.

And she sends me selfies of herself on the road in festive professional attire and allows me to post them on social media so that everyone knows how cool I am being married to a pilot and all... even if I've been abandoned for the holidays!

The trade-off is a love and support for one another deeper and more fulsome than I have ever experienced, even with my own mother and Omi when they were still alive. My wife knows me almost as well as I know myself in many areas… sometimes better than I know myself! She has learned to hold me accountable in ways that are loving, and is learning to hear me and accept with an increasingly open mind when I share concerns that run counter to her default. And we have developed our own Christmas traditions, like me getting getting decked out in festive gear and joining her wherever she happens to be flying on Christmas Day. (Well, unless it’s a dull day layover in Timmins, like this year. Ugh!)
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We’ve also co-created some unique holidays that are far more numerous than Christmas, special days of private celebration that are regularly acknowledged between us with delightful little secrets and traditions unique to our family or to us as a couple.

Is Christmas still lonely for me, as an orphan who lost her everything just days before the western world's most high-pressure family event?

I would say it’s more a time of inner reflection. And in those moments, after the kids leave for their dad’s on the morning of the 25th after their stockings have been emptied (Santa insisted on filling the boys’ stockings, even after my wife canceled the rest of our Christmas traditions, haha), when I am alone in the apartment with no one to share a tea with while sitting around the Christmas tree with all its twinkly lights, I do feel a little bit sorry for myself, yes. But also, I feel grateful.

A reduced Christmas in an overly consumerist world is a small price to pay for the many strange and wonderful blessings my strange and wonderful wife bestows on me and on our family throughout the year. Christmas, as I am continuing to learn, is more a frame of mind than a particular day or time of year. And giving up the obsession of the season for the woman I love, and instead adopting a more long-term mindset of grace, generosity and love is a greater gift than any!

Never once as I sent my 18-year-old monozygotic twins off to commuter orientation at the University of Toronto last August did I think I would be spending this August celebrating a set of achievements for one of them that was completely unrelated to the history degree he had begun pursuing a year ago. 

And yet here we are. August 2023, Prince Edward Island. A year later, in a completely different province.

As the summer draws to a close, I am prompted to reflect on what has been an intensely rich season for both me and the manchild through which I have been learning vicariously over the past several months!

Although both boys started strong at the Faculty of Arts and Science of my alma mater last fall, Twin B soon found himself uninspired by the various tenets of the somewhat nebulous degree he was pursuing. By midwinter, it was clear that his enthusiasm was continuing to wane, and so we were somewhat alarmed but not really surprised when — with summer just around the corner — there was no clear plan about what was to come next.

The situation seemed particularly dire framed in the stark contrast of his brother’s summer which was shaping up to be a hectic smorgasbord of various jobs. From local and international tour guiding, to running a summer camp at a board game café, to teaching chess part-time to elementary school kids across the city, to jumping on the bandwagon with my wife’s bike lesson side hustle, Twin A applied for an endless string of jobs, was offered most of them, and seemed to accept almost all of the jobs he was offered!

We therefore threatened Twin B that if he did not apply for more jobs and become gainfully employed for the summer soon, we would haul his ass to PEI (where I've been living for the past few years), register him for a multi-day chainsaw training course, and put him to work cleaning up Fiona damage on our property and those of other islanders.

The little bugger called our bluff: “OK, great”, he calmly replied. 

And boy, am I ever glad he did! Thanks for the generosity of time and spirit of several friends and others across the island who took him on, and a very generous partnership program between the federal government, a private nonprofit and the local college, the child has learned basic sheet metal roofing skills, knows how to safely fell a tree, can tie seven kinds of knots and climb up a wind turbine, and is excited about getting his first “man kit“ as he calls it, the toolbox gifted it to him by the program he is about to complete as I write this! Not only that, but he’s finally on the road to getting his driver’s license, and has even made some friends here on the island.

The personal emotional growth both individually and in our mother-son relationship is in itself something to be celebrated. And from an Education perspective, Twin B has turned from an uninspired, at-risk university dropout into an interested, optimistic and engaged young man and who is looking forward to continued learning and exploration of potential career path both related to his summer endeavours and in other areas. In addition to the possibility of applying to a follow-up course for the wind turbine training he’s completed, the boy has also sought out and registered for an Investigative Security college program to begin in January. 

As an educator, it is an important reminder of how valuable hands-on learning and multiple pathways are.

Although in theory I always supported college or other non-university post secondary pathways for my former students and my own children, I realize now there was an implicit bias on my part. Although I was first in my family to do so, I had gone to university, and in addition to my undergraduate degree, I hold two post-graduate degrees. So I guess I just sort of assumed my kids would do that as well. I see now that for at least one of my boys, having continued blindly into second year university would have robbed him of a wealth of experiences that are shaping him into the interesting an interested young man he is becoming. 

If you are a parent of a young person fretting about their future, realize that they really are a multitude of ways to move from school to under school, and all of them are valid. The exciting challenge for you as a parent (and for your child) is finding and/or designing the pathway or pathways that will best develop and engage the skill set and affinities of the young person in question. ​

After a bit of a hiatus from formal teaching life to move part time to another province and take on a job as a post-secondary curriculum and instructional consultant, I find myself preparing to return to the classroom.  It will be my second sojourn into teaching post-secondary, and my first time teaching in the college context.  It’s also my first time teaching primarily online. 

I‘m excited, and have been preparing to practise what I preach in terms of using and sharing clear learning goals and success criteria, triangulating (and diversifying!) assessment, and offering variety and choice in learning activities. My first sessional at Holland College will — I hope — be as engaging and practical for my students as it is for me to prepare for it!

As I work to bring to life my syllabus for Communication and Technology in the Arts, the blended course I’ll be facilitating for first-year college students in the Fundamental Arts program this September, I am struck by an interesting realization:  Once again, I‘ll be teaching the same „grade“ as my own children! 

This will actually mark the third time in my career that I‘ll be working with students who are the same age as Alex and Simon. The first time I played this game was the year I taught a Grade 3 class: At the time, my own babies were in Grade 3, too (albeit at a different school), and I often compared mental notes to see how aligned my classroom was with theirs, developmentally.  The edu-stars aligned again a few years later, when I moved from a Grade 7 & 8 Math and Science gig to Grade 6 Core… the same year Simon and Alex moved into Grade 6! And once again, I followed with interest what their respective teachers were up to and compared it to my own teaching and learning journey that year. (The boys even came to visit my students one day, as their school board and mine had different PD day schedules.)

I was recently asked in a job interview what my philosophy of education was. I am embarrassed to admit that I was caught somewhat off guard; the job was not directly a teaching job, so I had not prepared a polished, well-thought-out response like I had with some other anticipated questions.  It's embarrassing because as a life-long educator, I should have a succinct answer at my fingertips.  So I stumbled around, talking about some of the things I know to be important, but never really pulled it all together.

After the interview, I thought about this question for a long time.  I had written a philosophy of education as part of my B.Ed a hundred years ago, and revisited it about a decade ago, when I completed my principals' qualifications. I remember being pleased that -- while my thoughts had matured somewhat with age and experience -- fundamentally, I was still on the same page I had been as a beginning teacher.

However, both of these assignments were too wordy.  At approximately six pages each in length, neither my new teacher nor my aspiring edu-leader approach could be expected to hold someone's interest for very long.  And so, I set out to re-write my philosophy in a more succinct manner.

Below is the result. As a word doc, it's a single page, and can be expanded on or further synthesized as needed.

Vera's Philosophy of Education, 2022

I believe that – given the right context – all students can and will learn to a high degree.
The “right” context is not the same, necessarily, as “ideal conditions”.  It simply means that students are motivated to learn, and are engaged in the learning.  This can be orchestrated by an educator’s attention to what we know about how the brain works.  

For example, we can engage a student’s limbic system in a positive way by attending to relationships and fostering an emotionally safe and inviting physical learning environment (including the “physical virtual” environment, where relevant).
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Getting to know our learners, and then choosing materials, tools, strategies and content that reflect their lived experiences, affinities and interests, helps to establish and maintain trust over time.  This means that students are more likely to learn, even when occasionally a topic doesn’t appeal, or the manner in which material is presented is misaligned with an individual’s learning style.  Because they have an established and trusting relationship with their teacher. 

Building in predictable structures such as agendas and overviews, regular time to share and discuss learning goals and co-create success criteria, and frequent opportunities to reflect on and consolidate learning at the end of a lesson or unit further establishes and maintains trust. Students will know what to expect, so that they can use their brains for intended learning rather than focusing on the fight or flight mode that can accompany constant uncertainty. (Engagement of frontal lobe, rather than brain stem.) That said, the occasional “fun” activity that provides opportunities purely for mental or physical play allows for novelty, which the brain also seeks and thrives on.
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Considering Vygotsky’s “zone of proximal development” ensures students are intellectually challenged rather than bored… though not so much that they are overwhelmed and unable to learn.  

Building in choice for assignments and learning activities helps learners develop metacognition so that they can participate in finding “the zone” for themselves. These should include choices about where/how to work and with whom (if anyone).

Being transparent with students about why you as the teacher are doing these things further helps develop trust and motivation for students, so that they can become independent learners.  (Independence in this case means they confidently make learning choices independently, not that they necessarily work on their own all the time.)

If students appear to not be learning, I believe the teacher has a responsibility to self-examine: Rather than blaming the students, their families or the system at large, we must consider what is within our control.  More specifically, what is it about our practice, approach or the way in which we have chosen to set up the learning space that is inhibiting students from achieving excellence? Who can we call on for support as we attempt to do better?

My philosophy of education assumes the teacher as a facilitator of learning rather than an expert on everything. Continuously learning about how the brain works, and using that information to make conscious decisions about what learning to facilitate, and how to facilitate it for the various individuals whose learning we support, will help educators ensure all students can and will learn to a high standard.