​Girls and women, boys and men, come in all shapes, sizes and presentations. Not conforming to society’s gendered expectations of how you should look, talk and behave does not mean you “should be” the opposite sex.

Tales of Joy

People are sometimes surprised to learn that I follow accounts on social media of some trans identifying individuals, or that there are people close to me who identify as trans. I find it odd that in some people’s minds, asking critical questions or sharing factual information that may challenge their belief system is somehow equal to committing “literal violence” towards trans folks. It’s as though they can't wrap their heads around the possibility that someone could both love and support trans identifying folks AND ALSO raise concerns about the impacts of gender ideology on women and children. Can these not co-exist?

 And so, in summary, I feel compelled to share two stories of “trans joy”:

TRUE LOVE & FRIENDSHIP

The first, about a musical colleague, someone I used to play in a band with: Over the past year, I have watched this individual fall in love with a trans person. Their trans partner (now fiancé) has come out to various concerts to support my colleague’s musical endeavors, and I don't know them well, but I have admired their leggings and other cool outfits, and their confidence in wearing said outfits regardless of what other people may say or think. But especially I admire this couple’s love for one another. In a world where it’s hard to stand out for various reasons, they have found one another, and are very clearly in love. I don't need to personally understand their love to appreciate that the smiles on their faces when they are together are infectious.

This summer, they are getting married. I wish them a long and happy marriage, and much joy!

PERSONAL REBIRTH

The second tale of joy is about a stranger who has become a friend through glamping on the property I co-own in PEI over the past several years.

I remember the dark green polish on his toenails the first time my friend came to stay with us. An introvert, he mostly kept to himself, but was appreciative of a safe place where he could wear his nailpolish and enjoy the solitude of nature. The space we'd created on our property provided my friend with an opportunity to get away for a few days and just be.

Over the subsequent years, he began to experiment more with his “female side”, and when I asked his preferred name, he shared the female one he’d been using, and invited me to use that or his given name. I hyphenated the two, and although s/he primarily goes by her female name now, it will always be the hyphen for me in my mind, because I “knew him when…”

After a few years of social transition and medical care, my friend has decided to fully transition. Her friends recently threw her a “vagina shower” – my friend shared some photos with me, and it looked like a pretty awesome celebration!!

The next time I see her, my friend will have undergone bottom surgery as well. I don’t understand it, but I don't need to understand it to be happy for them and their support network, and I genuinely wish them all the joy they hope for with this surgery, and into the future.

Summary

Not wanting humans with a male advantage on women’s sports teams or intact males in women’s prisons, and not supporting children having life altering medical intervention in an already gender stereotyped world that is stacked against them doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate when transitioning and gender affirming care might make an adult who is suffering, has suffered for a long time, happy.

So, am I a transphobe? That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself after reading my three blog posts and learning a little more about who I am as a whole person. I hope these three essays have given you some of that insight.

​Happy Pride!

Another example of important and necessary exclusion can be found in the French language school system in Canada. In order to be considered for employment there, you must be francophone. If you are not, you are excluded from teaching in that jurisdiction. The reason for this is that the whole point of that school system is to preserve French language and culture. Hiring teachers who are not francophone, or who just speak a little French, would completely defeat the purpose.

A final example of “good” exclusion, again from within the education work, is the intentional exclusion of known pedophiles from the certified teaching and school support population. When you apply to work for a school board, whether as a classroom teacher, early childhood educator, or some other student and school support role, you have to have a criminal record check. (And in most jurisdictions across the country, this has to be updated annually.) And guess what? If you are a convicted child sex offender, you don’t get hired. YOU GET EXCLUDED!!! 

Despite the efforts of some folks within the LGBTQ+ community to expand the umbrella to include softer language of “minor attracted persons” or MAPs, most people still agree that pedophiles should not be celebrated as a special identity, and have no problem excluding them from most workplaces, particularly those that focus on children.

Again, an example of when exclusion is good and necessary, and probably not super controversial in most circles.

Where exclusion seems to take a sharp left turn is when it comes to women.

Despite earning hard-won sex based rights over the past hundred years or so, it has suddenly become “controversial” to suggest that transwomen, i.e. trans-identifying men, ie biological, intact men who self identify as women and may or may not have taken some steps towards medicalizing said identity (such as having facial feminization surgery, or taking hormones, or some such action) do not belong in women’s prisons, on women’s sports teams or in women’s shelters. 

Although we have documented evidence, for example, of women in sex-segregated prisons becoming impregnated by convicted male sex offenders to claim to be – and are therefore housed with – the female inmate population, to suggest that these trans-identifying men should not be there is apparently “transphobic”. 

In the inaugural issue of the lesbian magazine I recently published, a woman from the UK shared her experiences seeking sex-based support as a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of men. The women’s sexual abuse survivor services was unable to guarantee her a female counsellor because “we don’t discriminate against transwomen”.  Somehow when it comes to the importance of lived experience, apparently the lived experience of adult human females takes a back seat to the feelings of men in a dress.

And if you’re interested the problem of men in women’s sports, check out hecheated.org for some concrete stats and horror stories on that topic. 

My own introduction to this phenomenon was when I was going through a particularly rough patch with my wife (then my girlfriend), and – mainly out of curiosity – went on a lesbian dating app, “just to see”. What I saw, shockingly, was an overwhelmingly male group of users, who identified as “lesbian”!

Confused and ignorant at the time, I naïvely reported these men to the app’s administrator, thinking that they had somehow inadvertently “slipped by” and infiltrated the dating site. 

Silly, silly me.

I received rather a chastising message from the admin, explaining to me as though I were a hostile bigot, that “transwomen are women”, and that if they identify as lesbian, then of course we should welcome them with open arms. (Mouths?! Legs?!)

During the pandemic, a culture of identity politics came into vogue. It’s been deemed inclusive by some, but problematic by others. Sometime around 2021, I began to question my undying commitment to the gender ideology movement, and since that time, I have been called a transphobe and a TERF, usually by folks who know me only superficially, if at all.
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For some time now, I’ve been meaning to address the issue head on, but then life got in the way. This year, however, I decided to take a break from my generally politics-free profile on Facebook and instead leverage Pride month to post a few longer posts about my experiences as a gender non-conforming woman. In tandem with that, I am also finally getting around to finishing my blog posts about the topic of identity politics and in particular, the gender ideology movement and its impact on me as a lesbian. I hope you enjoy these posts.

Those of you who follow me on IG will know that in recent years, I have begun posting (or rather, reposting) posts about what some might loosely call “trans issues” on my Instagram stories. In sharp contrast to the daily life photos and nature images I typically share in my main feed, these more politically charged reposts fall primarily into two categories: Posts concerning the impact of the gender ideology movement on young people, and posts about the intrusion of men in women’s spaces.

As a result of these posts, I have faced criticism by some individuals and institutions, largely from those who are unfamiliar with my long-standing work as an advocate for social justice, equity and inclusion.
My intent in these three blog posts is to clarify my position, and to encourage critical thinking around gender/sex and other more generally important issues. I welcome lively debate and respectful sharing of broad perspectives, however, I will not tolerate hateful or revenge-motivated comments.
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Also, this one’s a lot of writing, and few photos. Fair warning.

​Vocabulary: A Primer

Since language matters and words are the building blocks of our conversations and ideas, let’s begin with a primer of some vocabulary related to LGBTQ+ issues.

It continues to shock me in this day and age with the availability of the internet, how few terms many people know and understand. However, it also annoys and frustrates me when those deeply emerged in the work refuse to support those still learning. Yes, fellow rainbow community, it IS our job to educate answer seekers… or at least, share our perspective with those  brave enough to ask us about it.

So, for those of you still new to the conversation, below are a few basic definitions.

Sex – your biological sex, i.e. male (XX) or female (XY)*. Sex is based on a series of physical traits largely organized around the intention** of procreation. Male bodies are small gamete producers and female bodies produce large gametes.

• (* There are some variations to this – see “Intersex” below)
  
• ( ** I use the word “intention” because that is their intended biological purpose from a design perspective, however, not all females can and do bear children.)
  

Gender – too often conflated with sex, gender refers to the identify that comes with the set of societally imposed “norms” aligning with each of the two sexes. Gender comprises things like clothing, haircuts, hobbies, behaviour, etc. Folks may behave, look and act the way they are “supposed to” according to their sex, or not. Or a little of both. (The “little of both” is sometimes referred to as being “Gender Non-Binary”, or ENBY, especially by younger people within the queer community.)

Gender dysphoria – when someone feels at odds between their body or perceived gender and how they feel “inside”, they may suffer gender dysphoria, sometimes also referred to as gender or body dysmorphia.

Gender non-conforming (GNC) – when girls or boys, or adult men or women, do not dress, speak or behave in a way that is expected of them based on their sex, they are gender non-conforming.

Intersex – It is rare but possible for humans to be born with an additional X or Y, for example, those born with Klinefelter syndrome (XXY females), Swyer syndrome and other differences of sex development (DSDs) in which males or females may have some physical traits of the opposite sex. DSD is a medical term, and some individuals with a DSD may refer to themselves as “Intersex”.

Gay – Shorthand for homosexual, i.e. boys who like boys in “that way”, or girls who like girls.

Lesbian – The female form of gay. (Some lesbians just refer to themselves as gay.) Adult human female who is attracted to other adult human females. 

Bisexual - being attracted to both sexes.

Queer – an umbrella term for anyone not “straight” or heterosexual. Initially used as a slur, the term “queer” was reclaimed by many as a proud moniker of being just a little bit outside the norm. Nowadays, many self-identify as queer without a specific sub label; it has become a bit of a catch all, though also a signifier to those of us critical of the movement that one best not question or rock the boat in any way with the person who so identifies, as they tend not to be open to any sort of critique.

Transwoman – A man who self identifies as a woman. Sometimes referred to as trans-identified males (TIMs), some transwomen choose to undergo “bottom surgery” to remove and/or reconstruct their male genitalia, have facial feminization surgery, take female hormones, etc.

Transman – A woman who identifies as a man. Some transmen choose to cut off their breasts (known as “top surgery” or a mastectomy), take male hormones to lower their voices and help with visual identifiers such as hair growth, etc.

Deadname – Many trans people choose a different name for themselves when they transition. For example, David may become Davina, or they may choose a more gender neutral name. Their “deadname” is the name they were given at birth or adoption.

Detransitioners – Formerly trans-identified individuals who have embarked on a journey to physically detransition and return to their actual sex. I.e. a woman who may have thought she was “male” and had an mastectomy and started male hormones now recognizes that she is in fact a woman and attempts to return to living as a woman. She stops taking male hormones, etc.)

Autogynephilic – sometimes called AGP for short, this term refers to men who feel arousal at the thought of themselves as women. (Think “cross dressers” from previous decades.) Some have strong and detailed rape fantasies in which they are the woman.

TERF – “Trans-exclusionary radical feminist”, the term TERF is used as a slur, usually by gender ideologues, towards women who question the current mainstream narrative that anyone can be a woman, and that biological women should not have access to spaces or rights protected on the grounds of sex. Those who question the focus on gender ideology in schools are also sometimes labeled TERFs. Some of those who speak up for women’s rights have adopted the term of a badge of honour.

Transbian – a trans identified male who self-identifies as a lesbian, and who typically demands to be treated as such, e.g., insisting on inclusion in lesbian-themed events and/or on lesbian dating apps.
 
I hope the above information is a helpful start. Please note, the above list is not an exhaustive one, and the definitions merely scratch the surface; I encourage you to take some time to google further, and ask questions of people you know and trust if details are confusing. There is a LOT of controversy about all things remotely related to the alphabet soup right now, so some “facts” cannot be taken at face value. Apply vigorous critical literacy skills as you go, please!
 
The Alphabet Soup & the Pride Flag
 
Many outside the community (and indeed some of us inside it!) struggle with the ever-increasing list of terms. For me, it’s this simple: the first three, i.e. LGB, refer to sexual orientation, i.e. lesbian, gay or bisexual. The inclusion of T for trans confounds me. To me, gender identity is such a completely different thing than sexual orientation, the two don’t really belong together.

The beautiful rainbow pride flag has also, in recent years, undergone transition… in some places, it is now impossible to find the original, which has been replaced by the ubiquitous “progress pride” flag, including brown and black (to signify support for the BIPOC community, or Black, Indigenous and People of Colour) and baby blue and pink, the trans colours (which have also been associated with pedophilia, or the more palatable “minor attracted persons” MAP community), and more recently, a circle representing the Intersex symbol.

Related but Separate

Wanting to separate the LGB from the T+ doesn’t signify to me that one is transphobic. What it signifies to me is a desire to focus the work on the Pride community. And I don’t think saying that means one can’t support both causes.

I think it’s important for those of us who are gay, lesbian and bisexual to stand up against discrimination in all its forms, but also to be able to have spaces – both online and in-person – where we can discuss issues specific to our needs. Moreover, we as a community have spent so many decades convincing the general public that we are “normal”, i.e. that we go to work, pay our taxes, do our laundry and grocery shopping, take the kids to school, etc., that many of us are very concerned about the infiltration of what we see as problematic perspectives. For example, I am NOT okay with increasing supports for pedophiles, I don’t care what they want to call themselves. Moreover, as a lesbian, I am tired of being told that I have to share my online platforms with men who identify as women. I don’t think this makes me transphobic, I’m not opposed to transfolks having their own spaces in which to share ideas, needs, concerns, hopes, dreams… and we can even have some shared spaces. I’m just not prepared to give up the special protected spaces we have fought long and hard for ourselves, and I don’t see why it has to be an either/or situation.
 
I hope this vocabulary primer and related commentary serves as a helpful entry point to exploring whether or not I am a “transphobe”.